Let Me Get This Straight

Straight hair, don't care.

So I got a hair cut, my once-annual chopping of the locks. I'm just so lazy low maintenance when it comes to my hair. The good news is, curly hair can handle it. After all, every day it curls in a different way. My lovely stylist Jennifer feels my pain - she also has curly hair. But like so many curly haired girls I know, Jennifer always straightens her hair. And as a special treat for me, she insisted on straightening it at my appointment.

It's like I'm a completely different person with straight hair. I keep catching sight of myself in the mirror and marveling at the shape of my head... normally all you see is a mass of hair. Now there is actual a form under there. I keep thinking my face seems longer, or my hair somehow looks more brown without the distraction of the curly frizz that normally takes over. I like it for a change, but heaven help me, it took longer to straighten than it did to cut and I just don't have that kind of time in my life. Short of Jennifer coming over at 5 a.m. each day and doing it for me, this look will last until I finally break down and take a shower. Still, it's fun for a change. Although I rather think I would (gasp!) miss my curls if this were a permanent thing.

I've also been wearing my glasses for the last few days (I know, who AM I?!) I woke up with what seemed like a touch of pink eye, so I dug some eyedrops out of the cabinet and started self-medicating. It's been an adjustment, though. Every time I walk in a store, my instinctively go to take off my sunglasses, only to remember I'm not wearing any. And without sunglasses, the world has been a much brighter place, literally. Today I'm finally back to contacts and sunglasses, but I found myself riding around without the shades... it turns out that the fall colors are so much more vibrant when you're not hiding from the glare. I guess sometimes it is worth it to face reality as God made it, even if it makes your eyes water. (Insert deep metaphor about the current state of affairs here.)

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

The girls have been at the grandmas since Saturday, which means Matt and I have gotten to run around reliving life as a young married couple, doing spontaneous things like couples date night (you haven't lived until you've had sparkling sake... you're welcome) and dinner/movie. I got a massage one day and popped into approximately 27 different stores on the hunt for various event-related items (bridal shower luncheon Christmas ornament gift - how specific is that?, lingerie shower gift, room mom gifts, teacher gifts, pre-Black Friday anxiety shopping). I cannot even imagine how horrible those errands would have been with two children in tow. I even busted out the Christmas decorations, minus the tree stuff. We'll wait until we have the girls back before we put up the tree - we're not total Scrooges. But it was nice to get some things out without their "help". I'm super excited about our advent calendar this year - various crafts, events, and stories for each day, handmade from our church. Isn't it beautiful?! We are really going to commit to following it through this year. With Lukas and Virginia's wedding closing out December, it's already guaranteed to be an extra-busy season, so I think it's important to make the time for this one.

Advent is coming!

Finally, I'll close this one down with a picture that's been 25 years in the making. We got together with some of Matt's closest high school/college friends. These guys have been through it all together... their friendship circle expanded to include girlfriends who then became wives and now we all have kids. We took over and pretty much shut down the local pizza joint with this crazy crew. Thankful for these friendships.

Party of 23!

Be Overwhelmed

Usually being overwhelmed has a negative association. It is easy for me to feel overwhelmed this time of year. I'm overwhelmed by the mountain of tasks I have left to accomplish with my students, even as the calendar ticks steadily down through these last 20 school days. I'm overwhelmed by the end-of-year parties to plan, teacher gifts to buy, volunteer presents to make, boxes to pack. The garden needs maintaining, the pantry has still not started stocking itself. My children inexplicably continue to need snacks and baths and books at bedtime.

But overwhelmed can be flipped over, taken out of its defeatist connotation. It can also mean to affect strongly. And affect in a good way. You can be overwhelmed with love, overwhelmed with joy. Perhaps not when doing the snacks-bath-books dance for the 471st time, but it is possible. It requires a bit more intention. You have to pay attention, look down and really notice what is around you. Allow it to affect you instead of just brushing past it on your way through the to-do list.

At church we've been going through a series on joy.  We can find joy in adversity. We can find joy in knowing God is with us, taking care of us, shepherding us daily through the valley of the shadow. And we are also called to take joy in his creation. Psalm 148 says "Let every created thing give praise to the Lord." We can find His joy in everything: twinkling stars, wind and weather, scurrying animals, even children. The challenge is in creating the space to do so, making the time to look down and notice, look up and marvel. 

I've been doing my best to find at least one small moment every day that has allowed me to take a breath, look around and marvel, be still and know. It's ironic when your to-do list includes "be overwhelmed by God's glory" but sometimes I have to be that intentional about it. And you know, once I start looking for it, it's always there. Sometimes I see it in Violet's face - that unadulterated joy of peddling through a tunnel of green light. Other times I steal a moment to wander away while the children play within earshot and their happy giggles become a fitting soundtrack as I spot that first ripe strawberry.

The Bible says "let everything that has breath praise the Lord." And God, in His infinite wisdom, created our bodies to do just that. In Hebrew, God's name is Yahweh, but it is written without the vowels. And the consonants that are left are the sounds we make as we breathe in and breathe out. The very act of breathing is to say God's name. It is the first thing we do when we enter into life on this earth; it is the last thing we will ever do before we see God's glory in death. We speak God's name. Our bodies, our very beings, praise Him. And if that's not cause to be overwhelmed, I don't know what it.

Create

I've been feeling like I've been in a rut lately. Nothing deep or dark, just kinda stuck. I feel like I'm in survival mode and have been that way for a while. There hasn't been much time for anything beyond getting through the daily grind.

The other day, a fellow teacher came to me with a request. She knows I like to write, perhaps she even reads here, I don't know. But she wanted me to take a look at her niece's application essay. I asked if I was editing for grammar or style and she said both. So without hesitation, I picked up my pen and got to slashing and rewriting. It felt wonderful, like I was stretching muscles long out of use, but delightfully still ready. There wasn't a moment when I felt doubt about the creative decisions I was making.

I miss being creative. I used to work in a fairly creative field. I got to write on a daily basis. I was paid to make pages beautiful and string words together in a way that made you want to keep reading. That's not to say teaching isn't a creative profession. I'm constantly thinking on my feet, creating learning opportunities, directing the day. But it's not the same.

I've been wondering what my Word should be this year. Something to focus on, some lofty Idea to steer towards. And Create has been in my mind for a few days now. Today, driving to church, listening to some NPR (nothing like listening to other brainy, creative people to get the juices flowing) I had this little thought. What if I picked a different creative arena to focus on each month? Create with Food one month, create with Words the next, and so on. It takes the vague "be more creative" goal and gives it something solid to grasp. It gives me a smaller, more achievable timeframe. It keeps things loose, but still within some boundaries.

So, what are some tools to employ? Keep in mind that some skills are just not my jam. I'm not going to be composing any songs, picking up any instruments, or enrolling in any classes, as much as I'd love to become a fancy photographer or speak fluently in another language. Also, baby steps people. I'm still a full-time working mom of two, with a fairly demanding job and a house to run, husband to keep happy and cat to curse. Let's be realistic. Push outside the comfort zone, but not so far off the ledge that I lose it. Here's what I'm thinking...

Create with Food - cook one new recipe a week. And/or, cook something intimidating. Like a butt. Or exotic type of fish. Or something that has to be impaled on a beer can. You know, just to keep it classy. I'm not cooking my way through Julia Child here, I just want to add a few recipes to my repertoire and become a little more adventurous in the kitchen. Considering I am really only comfortable cooking about five things, this is a legitimate resolution. Ooh, I could even learn to grill! Or at least turn on the grill. Also, I want to get more comfortable handling raw meat. I hate raw meat. So, lots of opportunity to get creative with food.

Create with Words - This one is probably what sparked it all. And should be the easiest, the most second-nature. I just need the discipline to do it. Perhaps I'll set a goal to blog every day. Publishing the world wide web would certainly keep me accountable in a way that "keep a daily journal" would not. Plus being forced to find something to write about on a daily basis would get the juices flowing, especially since my life isn't interesting enough on a daily basis to provide the content.

Create with Yarn - So I used to knit. Nothing fancy, just scarves, the odd poncho, once a hat when I wanted to master double-pointed needles. But there is something inherently soothing about the repetitive motion of working yarn. Or maybe I'll pick up a retro cross stitch project. The time factor, and the fact that it takes two hands and makes multitasking infinitely more difficult, will be the biggest hurdles here.

Create with Paint - I could participate in another "paint and partake" event, which I totally would anyway, Word of the Year or not. Or I could interpret this as "go paint the bathroom already". Either way, I would be satisfied. It was quite fulfilling to get the laundry room redone over Thanksgiving, so I'm up for more. Along that vein...

Create with Color - Or more accurately, "I've been wanting a coloring book and this is the perfect excuse". Perhaps I'll get one now and call this my January theme.

Create Something DIY - This one is a little more vague, but basically gets at the idea that I want to make more things out of nothing. It might mean finding a cool craft on Pinterest and bringing it to life. It could be practical, like these, or just something pretty, like this.

Create with Music - This might be a stretch, but since I'm not about to take up a new instrument or join the church band... what if I made it a goal to listen to a different type of music every week for a month. And like, really let it infuse life. Listen in the car, in the classroom after the kids go home, at home while making dinner. I mean, could an intensive week's worth of classical music make me feel smarter, calmer, more inspired? What about some chanting monks? A week's worth of Kidz Bop? Nothing but REM for seven days? Although technically I'm not creating anything, so perhaps this one won't fly...

Create Community - Intentionally invest in new relationships. Maybe go out to eat with a different family every Sunday after church. Maybe invite a different family over for a Saturday night dinner for an entire month. Maybe a combination of the two. I feel like I have a pretty good community here with my neighbors, and my work family is strong too, but it would be nice to widen our social circle to include other families with children the same age as ours, or start building stronger relationships with the people at church, as opposed to just waving at each other on the way to the nursery.

Create Outdoors - This one is easily accomplished via our garden. Or I could suddenly get excited about yardwork, but that's unlikely. Maybe I'll get a themed garden, like everything I need for salsa. Or mojitos. Whatever. Potato potahto.

So that's nine ideas. I can't think of anymore, maybe something to do with the kids? Create some Space and take a vacation by myself? There are possibilities here, but for now, I think I've bitten off plenty. Off to get myself a coloring book and start creating!

All Good Things...

All good things must come to an end, and that includes this summer. I'll be honest, I was prepared for this summer to be kinda meh. I figured the pool would be tough with two kids. We didn't have our traditional beach trip with the neighbors planned. I thought battling boredom, tv obsessions and non-stop snack whining would be in the cards for sure.

But I've been pleasantly surprised to be proven wrong. The summer has been great! And now it's almost over.

On Thursday I leave the kids with Matt and head to a... Bible study weekend? Spiritual retreat? Cult gathering? To be honest, I'm not exactly sure what I'm in for, other than I can't bring a cell phone. Or a watch. No technology of any kind is allowed. I'm terrified looking forward to being unplugged from it all for three days.

And when I get back, that's it. Bye bye summer. Annie starts daycare and I head back to the "office". I'm going to try to get my classroom ready in the three days before preplanning starts that Thursday. (Cue husband rolling eyes at the fact that I use unpaid time to get things ready. But the amount of meetings and things we have on the schedule before the kids show up really doesn't give much choice.)

So to make myself feel better about the end of summer, I thought I'd go through and list the accomplishments and activities we enjoyed these last eight weeks. Here goes!

Books read: 12 (I know, that seems like a lot even for me! I got in some trashy romance set in the Scottish Highlands, a couple detective novels set in a pre-astroid apocolyptic world, some John Green soon-to-be-a-movie YA, Amazon's Book of the Year, amongst others.)

Vacations taken: 2 (although with a stop at the beach and the Great Wolf Lodge, I almost want to count this one trip as two vacations).

Day camps for Violet: 2 (Definitely looking to increase this next year! Camps have been a blast!)

Sleepovers for Violet: 2

Times Annie peed on potty: 2

Vegetables harvested from garden: 3 peppers, 6 and counting cucumbers, lots 'o cherry tomatoes, basil out our ears

Baseball games attended: 0 (This one makes me sad.)

Number of school ideas pinned to Pinterest: 0 (Seriously, I try to really take time off in the summer. Plus Pinterest has started to stress me out.)

Miscellaneous accomplishments: got new glasses, finished my Invisalign braces, bought a new Kindle after mine died, converted Annie's crib (not sure this should be listed as "accomplishment"), rearranged playroom

And there you have it! Not a bad summer, if I say so myself. It's been so nice to get up in the morning without having to jump immediately into the shower and onto the day. I've actually had time to think about things and not make snap decisions, time to consider and mull things over. What a luxury! I'm trying to hold onto this feeling, soak it in while it lasts, before works takes over everything again. We have a couple last playdates, I'm sure there's at least one more trip to the pool in our future, we're goign to keep this one good to the last drop.

Things I'm Thankful For Today

A beautiful fall morning to take a stroll in, just Annie and me.

Starting to feel back to normal, including hands and feet back to usual size.

A sweet, healthy baby girl who is so laid back, I can enjoy a long, hot shower every day without worry.

She's awake!

The calm and stillness of the neighborhood while everyone is at work.

A forever friend who provided me with company, conversation and laughter on what might have been a lonely day.

Emily and Annie.

A refrigerator stuffed with food from friends.

Violet's fantastic playdate with her BFF yesterday - she still can't get over it! I love seeing my big girl so happy.

A hubby who is so helpful and patient, even at 3 a.m.

Things I'm Hopeful For:

Tuesday's visit to the pediatrician - all questions answered, fears put aside, confidence boosted.

Driving again! It's getting boring around here.

Reentering society - church, small group, book club, Target...

Patience as my body and I continue to make peace with each other.

Embracing the quiet new life I'm leading and getting the most out of these moments while they last.

Round

Everything in my life is round.

My stomach is round and mushy. I feel like I'm still pregnant, although now I'm carrying a partially deflated basketball instead of a nine-pound baby. I know it's only been a week, but boy I miss my body. I miss sleeping on my stomach.

My boobs are round and hard. The milk came in with a vengeance while we were in the hospital and yowza! Annie is such a snoozefest, I find myself waking her to eat just to take some pressure off the girls.

My feet are round and puffy. They are more swollen now than they ever were while I was pregnant. No one warned me this would happen. The only thing I miss more than my pre-pregnancy stomach are my pre-pregnancy feet. And my hands. I'm tired of looking unmarried because my rings don't fit.

My baby has the sweetest, roundest cheeks ever seen. They are so soft and smooth, I have to restrain myself from squishing them whenever I hold her. I'm already missing them, knowing they'll be gone one day.

Look at those chubby, squishy cheeks!

EDIT: I had a doctor's appointment today to get the staples removed. I'm feeling much less Bride of Frankenstein now.  Apparently I'm healing great, everything looks really good, the nurses thought Annie was adorable (naturally) and seemed pleased with where I was at this point in my recovery. It was a positive report all around. So I'm trying to give myself (and my soft, round, mushiness) a little grace. 

About Friday

It's been one hell of a week.

Friday's tragic events in Connecticut were too unspeakable. I'm still processing them. Today I sat on my couch and just cried and cried. It hit close too home as a teacher, as a mother. I've run through the disaster scenarios in my head, trying to figure out where I would hide my kids if something like this ever happened at my school. I know the chances of it occurring are so small... and yet it happens.

I keep thinking about the Christmas presents those children will never open. What will happen to them, all wrapped up in their shiny bows, waiting for little hands that will never eager tear off the paper? Who will clean out their desks?

I know there are probably some people who look at the events in Newtown and think, there's no god. I think of Newtown and I'm grateful there is a God. One who is delighted to be giving His precious babies big hugs in Heaven right now, a God who is devastated to see the suffering of those who had to be left behind for now.

What happened on Friday doesn't make sense. It never will. This world is a brutal place. But my name is written on God's heart. I can look beyond what is happening on this earth with hope because I know my life is already safely hidden in Heaven, just waiting on me to get there. God is faithful. Come Lord Jesus. Good will triumph.

Before the throne of God above
I have a strong, a perfect plea:
A great High Priest, whose name is Love,
Who ever lives and pleads for me.

My name is graven on his hands,
My name is written on his heart;
I know that while in heaven he stands
No tongue can bid me thence depart
No tongue can bid me thence depart.

When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look, and see him there
Who made an end of all my sin.

Because a sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free;
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! Praise the One,
Risen Son of God!

Behold him there, the risen Lamb
My perfect, spotless righteousness,
The great unchangeable I AM,
The King of glory and of grace!

One in himself, I cannot die
My soul is purchased by his blood
My life is hid with Christ on high,
With Christ, my Savior and my God
With Christ, my Savior and my God 

Wisdom in the Glovebox

I have a little devotional book called Jesus Calling. It's small, it fits easily in the glove compartment of my car, which is where I keep it. I'm terrible about Bible study or daily devotional (working on it), but I can handle the two minutes it takes to read a pocket-sized bit of wisdom.

And because God is awesome like that, often what comes up on each morning's reading is exactly what I need to hear. Because sometimes God has to smack me upside the head with some obvious before I get it.

Lately I've been a wee bit stressed at work. We have a brand new curriculum, a brand new report card, and we're all working a mile a minute just to figure out what is going on. I'm living day to day, and for someone who revels in calendars and plans and lists, this is not my happy place. I can't see the road in front of me, I just know I'm on a barreling train and there's no getting off anytime soon. It's daunting. I thought nothing could be more stressful than last year, but I was apparently wrong.

I've been fantasizing about what it must be like to have a different job. One where lunch breaks last an hour (not 20 frantic minutes), where it's no big deal to pop out to run errands or squeeze in a doctor's appointment, where I'm not waking up 30 minutes before the alarm goes off (at an already-ungodly hour of the morning) already stressing about the day. A job where work stays at work while I can come home and devote myself to being the best mom and wife and human I can be. Waah waah,  you get the point.

And then I read this:

Sunrise over the school. My kairos moment.

Rejoice in Me always! No matter what is going on, you can rejoice in your Love-relationship with Me. This is the secret of being content in all circumstances. So many people dream of the day when they will finally be happy: when they are out of debt, when their children are out of trouble, when they have more leisure time, and so on. While they daydream, their moments are trickling into the ground like precious balm spilling wastefully from overturned bottles.

Fantasizing about future happiness will never bring fulfillment, because fantasy is unreality. Even though I am invisible, I am far more Real than the world you see around you. My reality is eternal and unchanging. Bring your moments to Me, and I will fill them with vibrant Joy. Now is the time to rejoice in My Presence!

Philippians 4:4, 12; Psalm 102:27 

So there I have it. Man, this is a tough one to walk in. It is so hard to live in the moment, the kairos time. It's hard to remember that at the end of the day, only one thing is Real, that the rest of this nonsense happening around us really doesn't matter. Because I'm down here in the fray. And things look complicated and overrun and scary. I gotta be honest, I haven't been getting a lot of that vibrant Joy lately. And I don't really know the secret to slowing down, giving it up to the Guy in Charge, stepping out in faith, being present for the kairos. But I'll try. I can at least do that. However imperfectly.

Excerpt from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

These Days are Precious

Dear Friends,

Sometimes I am reminded that I am small. Life is short. These days are precious. We hold to this life with but one thread, swinging, dangling.

But God is big.

Recently I discovered a remarkable woman, mother, writer. Please read her story. (She's linked in my blog roll on the right.) Read her story, lift up your prayers of healing, and revel in the fact that our God has given us the marvelous gift of another day to be alive, to breath deeply, to kiss our children, to see the amber glow of sunset.

Hints of Spring

Thanks to a lack of inclement (stormy; unmerciful) weather this year, we're out of school today. Last year's week-long freak snowstorm stole all these pockets of freedom from our calendar, but this winter has been so mild, we're getting to relish these happy breaks.

And um, when did it become spring? I'm still surprised when I go outside and realize the trees are all budding. I'll catch myself feeling sorry for the sweet little purple flowers blooming in the backyard, worried that winter is going to plan a sneak attack and kill them. It never got cold enough for me to wear my winter coat, so part of me is still waiting to feel the coming chill. But no, it looks like warmer weather is here to stay and we are taking full advantage of it this long weekend.

Of course, being at home for an extra day with no plans has me noticing the little details that have fallen by the wayside. Usually I can ignore the crumbs on the floor and hand prints smeared on the door until the cleaners arrive, but today I'm seeing things with new eyes. I innocently took a clorox wipe to the pantry door yesterday to clear up a spot and six wipes and ten minutes later, I was still scrubbing. The more I rubbed and swiped, the dirtier I realized it was! So we're due for a spring cleaning and sorting and putting away and donating.

But not today. Today is a day for doing nothing. After enduring the stresses of school observations, end of quarter grading, report cards and spring conferences, it's nice to loll.

Yesterday was a perfect day. I am starting to learn how to appreciate them, be present and savor them, now that I've experienced the hard days.* It was so warm outside that Violet and I were both in shorts and tanks, exposing our pasty white legs to the world. I took a new book outside and for what seemed like hours, we sat in the sunshine. Violet played happily on her own or with our neighbor, splashing in the water table. I'm seeing glimpses of how this summer will be different from the last. Now she's old enough for some of the toys I tried to get her to use last season, to disappointing results. This year she seems content to splash away, or take endless loops on her tricycle, while I can sit merely observing, called on only when desperate times call for desperate measures, like the fetching of a snack. I'm already looking forward to how we'll spend our summer days (when I'm not terrified of the thought of being a mom-on-call 24/7).

Anyone up for a tea party? There's enough to share!

Some other random tidbits I haven't shared yet... After Violet's success on the potty, we've taken a step back. She has straight-up refused to have anything to do with potty again. No amount of potty books or m&m bribes will budge her. So I'm dropping the matter for now. Honestly the thought of potty training seems a little exhausting anyway. I'd rather wait until she's ready to do it, like we did with the pacifier.

Also, Violet refuses to wear dresses. This makes me sad. I was the opposite as a kid - I refused to wear pants. To the point of tears. I can get Violet into skirts without too much fuss, but she has so many cute dresses just going to waste in the dresser. I did manage to sneak one onto her the other day by calling it a shirt (a really long shirt) and allowing her to wear shorts underneath. We'll see how it  goes. I'm just hoping she lets me put her in an Easter dress.

Staying cool in the shades.

*And by hard days, I mean difficult by my standards. You know, Violet takes 45 minutes to get dressed or I forget a much-needed ingredient at the grocery store. I know in the grand scheme of things, this is nothing. I know people whose children are suffering from brain tumors or getting arrested for drug possession - obviously our suffering is not on the same scale. I get it. I thank God for it. Once Violet stops yelling at me, at least. Then I can count my blessings.

Uninspired

Lately I haven't felt inspired to write. I've been busy, I haven't had time to take pictures (I hate to blog without pictures), I haven't had much to say. It makes me sad, because I love to write. I love to write so much I once wrote over 50,000 words in one month. And then did it again. And again. But these days I come home so brain dead that I can't seem to muster up anything worth saving. Maybe I'm worried that the mundane details of my life are too boring for anyone to care about. Lately I feel like I've been taking to the airwaves to complain about tantrums and mommy drama a little too often. Hopefully that will change soon. I mean, I hate to disappoint my 38 loyal fans and all. So I'll just leave you to feast your eyes on the cuteness that is Violet. Love that messy, crazy, lovely girl.

Waves

The other day I got a random email from a blog stalker (the only kind of stalking I encourage... although no need to hide, come follow! I'm friendly! I don't bite!)

She is a working mom, just like me. And after she apologized for randomly writing (and potentially freaking me out - for the record, not freaked in the slightest), she thanked me for writing with honesty about how tough it can be to juggle work with motherhood and the guilt that comes with it. We try to be good at both, only to end up disappointed with both results. Jack of all trades, master of none. And then the guilt sets in, the dreaded mommy guilt, where we beat ourselves up over the fact that the kids we were dying to pick up from daycare are promptly driving us nuts because real life is hard and we count the minutes until our spouse gets home to lend a hand when we should be enjoying every moment they go by so fast.

Sometimes it helps just to know we're not alone. Which is exactly what I said to my new friend (because I feel like we are friends somehow, even though we've not met). It's nice to know I'm not the only one feeling the pressure and guilt and frustration of being a working mom. Because when I read other people's words, it helps me remember that I'm not nuts for feeling the way I do. And that's really why I write those feelings down and send them out into the void - I'm hoping someone hears them and reaffirms that what I'm feeling is totally normal, or perhaps can offer me some nuggets of wisdom of their own. I know how much it's helped me to read about other moms (and not those perfect, crafty, don't-know-how-she-does-it moms either - I'm thinking more Anne Lamott) and their daily struggles and revelations and real life moments.

It's amazing being a mom. And it's scary and exhausting and heart-breaking and exhilarating. But the guilt. We have to get that monkey off our back. Life is hard enough without that devil screeching in our ear. That monkey pounced on my new friend in the grocery store the other day when she took her two little ones shopping:

Lady in grocery store who noticed my work clothes: "Oh, so you work, that must be hard"
Me: "Yes, it is very hard"
Lady: "So, you are a part-time mom"
Me: "No, I'm a full-time mom, I don't quit being a mom when I go to work"

(And as my friend told me, the lady is lucky she didn't get a banana thrown at her head. Amen sister.)

But what could I say to my new friend (short of telling her to back off the fruit)? I struggle with that same mommy guilt too. You should have seen my thoughts on Superbowl Sunday when Violet refused to take the nap I so desperately needed her to take. So, knowing I totally lack the soothing balm she needs, I simply told her what I had just learned in my small group Bible study. I reminded her (and myself) about grace.

Imagine stepping into the ocean. Those dancing, fizzing waves lapping at your toes. They wash and recede, only to come right back again, endlessly. God's grace is like those ocean waves. They just keep coming. Life going great? Revel in a wave of grace. Had a crappy day? The waves of grace keep washing over you, no hesitation. Totally screw up and need some forgiveness? God doesn't even pause, his grace is already on his way to you before you've finished doing that idiotic thing you're doing. It's never ending and unconditional, this undeserved favor, and yet we get it anyway. And that's a nice thought, don't you think? I'm praying that all us mamas can dip our feet into that ocean and feel those waves of love and grace lapping at our toes.

Just watch out for the occasional flying banana. We're still human, after all.

Letting Go

Watching Violet try to get over her need for her pacifier has been so hard. She has loved that thing something fierce. It has been the one constant companion she could count on every single night of her life. We put off getting rid of it because we anticipated the drama, and we were not mistaken. There has been much weeping and gnashing of teeth over the past few days. We really have been struggling to break an addiction. And as anyone who has ever watching Intervention can tell you, addiction is no easy monster to face.

I'm struggling right along with her. Because I had put my faith into that stupid little green piece of molded plastic. That sucker was my go-to guaranteed sleep inducer. The words "never leave home without it" never applied more readily. (In fact, I knew we had to do something about this dependency when we got halfway to Grandma's house before we realized it wasn't in the diaper bag and almost turned around to go get it. Grandma doesn't live down the block, ya'll.) I wasn't sure it was possible for Violet to fall asleep without it and I damn well sure wasn't going to give it a try. It was cold, hard fear. I was afraid of what might happen if we removed paci from the sleep equation. And it was selfishness. I happen to like my life with a full night's sleep in it, thank you very much.

But here's what happens when you put your faith in the wrong thing. It ultimately lets you down. This day was bound to come, it was. I knew Violet wasn't going to be taking paci to college, much less kindergarten. At some point we were going to have to pull the plug (ha! ahem.) And because God is awesome that way, He had this to say in my daily devotional Jesus Calling the very morning after we threw paci down the stairs and out of our lives:

I want you to be all mine. I am weaning you from other dependencies. Your security rests in Me alone - not in other people, not in circumstances, not in pacifiers.

Okay, I added that last part myself. But can't you just feel God's gentle "Hello? Do you get it now?" elbow nudge in your ribs? Our only guarantee in this life is God. He's the only thing worth putting our faith into. Because anything else is going to let us down, get lost or stolen or ultimately thrown down the stairs.

I've had some practice this year depending on God. Sometimes that faith in God and His plan was the only thing that propelled me out of my car and into the building in the morning.

Depending only on Me may feel like walking on a tightrope, but there is a safety net underneath... So don't be afraid of falling. Instead, look ahead to Me. I am always before you, beckoning you on - one step at a time.

Sometimes as moms (or just humans in general) we feel like we have to have all the answers, be experts at everything, be in control at all times with our entire future mapped out in perfect detail or life will be one chaotic, unbearable mess. It's nice to have this reminder that we're not supposed to be in charge (thank God!) We're not supposed to know it all. We're just asked to move forward with our eyes fixed straight ahead. And it's hard not to look down, to cast our eyes to the world around us and all its dependencies and addictions. It's hard not to seize the wheel and try to steer the ship ourselves. But one step is all it takes. One foot in front of the other.

So this is me trusting God for a full night of sleep again, and committing again to this tightrope walk we're on.

Marking Time

I read a great article the other day that really echoed a lot of my own feelings when it comes to parenting. It was called Don't Carpe Diem and it was all about the irony of being a mom trying to "enjoy every minute" of your children growing up, while simultaneously attempting to just survive the day.

Okay, so I'm enjoying this moment...

When I'm home with Violet on the weekends, I know I should be super excited to spend the day with her. After all, I miss so many hours of her childhood because I'm a working mom. You'd think when we have time together, I would devote myself to her completely and soak up the glorious moments spent with her. But the guilty reality is, I have lots of stuff to do on the weekends, with Violet being at the top of the list. But there are also chores to do and errands to run. And a little selfish thing called "me time" that I like to indulge in for a few fleeting seconds.

So if I'm trying to get a few pages ahead in my latest read, it would be really great if Violet would practice some independent playtime. And I try to distract her with the eleventy-billion toys scattered around the living room. While she whines and begs me to read her a book or take her outside. And I feel guilty. There are some days when, even after a long day of separation, the few hours we come back together are so challenging that I breathe a sigh of relief when Violet is safely asleep upstairs and the house is quiet. And before I know it, I've wasted a day not "enjoying" my child enough.

The horrible, secret truth us mothers bury deep in our hearts, the truth the above article dares to speak, is that we don't love every moment of being parents. The author Glennon Melton writes:

I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn't enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn't in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn't MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I'd wake up and the kids would be gone...Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.

But she offers a solution, one which makes a lot of sense to me. The ancient Greeks (didn't see that reference coming, did you?) had two words for time: chronos and kairos. Chronos is the chronological timeline we measure by, seconds, minutes, interminable hours, never-ending days. Kairos means "the supreme moment," that time inbetween when something special happens. Or, as Glennon explains it:

Chronos time is what we live in. It's regular time, it's one minute at a time, it's staring down the clock till bedtime time, it's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it's four screaming minutes in time out time, it's two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there's Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.

And our job is to notice those kairos moments, to dwell in them and be present for them and hang on to them, fleeting though they may be. Like when we're giving Violet her nightly bath and all of a sudden I notice how big she's getting... she almost takes up the whole tub! And it's like I'm seeing her for the first time all day, really seeing her as she splashes water around in total glee and begs for one more Disney song on Daddy's phone. Kairos comes when Matt and I finally collapse on the couch, then share a private giggle at something hilarious Violet did during the day, still in awe that she is actually ours. Kairos moments come big and small, remarkable (Violet utters a new word) or mundane (she bunny hopped across the room), but I mark them when they happen, treasure them in my heart, and then enter the parenting fray again, a little lighter.

Worth it.

A Farewell

This week we made the heart-wrenching decision to say good-bye to our cat Spooky.

She was old. She was deaf. She was losing weight. And then she stopped being able to jump on the bed. Or climb stairs. (Two of her favorite activities.) She couldn't get around well and finally stopped getting around at all, choosing to remain curled up on a blanket in our living room. She stopped eating, and finally drinking. And eventually she looked so miserable that the thought of her at peace was actually easier than the thought of what we'd have to do to get her there.

But it was hard. Like, crying in the car driving through the rain hard. I was actually surprised at how much it affected me, given that I spent more time complaining about Spooky and avoiding her talons than I did enjoying her (prickly) company. It was one of those really sucky grown-up moments that I'd rather not experience again.

Yesterday we received a sympathy card in the mail from the vet's office. A kind gesture. But then I read the six separate hand-written notes inside and teared up all over again. They mentioned her by name. They called her our "good girl," "wonderful cat" and "beautiful" and (I'm crying again... geez...) thanked us for the love and care we gave her.

You know, for a crazy cat that never particularly liked me or most people in general, she was still our cat. Matt's from kittenhood. She made the long move to Texas and back. In fact, Texas might have been her glory days. She was still fiesty, loved laying on the couch looking out the window at the traffic below, roamed the apartment with her "boyfriend" in tow. She put up with our shack in Midtown, the one with the flea infestation that put her in the emergency animal hospital for a blood transfusion at two in the morning. I like to think we bonded during the long cold months of my third trimester when we spent many a snuggly hour in the recliner watching West Wing reruns. It was nice always having someone to come home to, someone to curl up in bed with when Matt was away, even if she made sure to stay down by my feet where I couldn't actually touch her.

My feet are a little colder tonight.

Sweet kitty, we'll miss you.

Back to Reality

Today is the last day of my winter break. Tomorrow the alarm clock will wake me with its shrill whine at a dark and ungodly hour and I'll be back to the grind. But before I go, here are a few parting thoughts:

This break has almost made me wish I was a stay-at-home mom. Sure, I tried it once and thought it wasn't for me. But Violet is so much fun right now, and I'm seeing the possibilities and potential of all we could do together (crafts! finger paint! cooking lessons!) that I can't help but wish. Of course, I know there would be a downside too (tantrums! too much tv! boredom!) so I'm trying to stay realistic. Plus if I wasn't working I'd be worried about money, so I wouldn't feel the freedom to go buy the paint and crafts, which pretty much defeats the point. And I'm sure we'd have to fire the housekeepers and that would suck. I guess it would help if I knew I loved my job, but honestly, I'm still on the fence about it. Although any other job would have earned me two or three days off this holiday, not the luxurious ten I had, so perhaps I should quit my whining.

My little Georgia girl.

For some reason she looks so grown up in this hoodie. Like a real little kid, not my wee toddler.

One fun thing about this vacation has been listening to Violet put herself to sleep at naptime. The girl chatters and sings to herself for many a long minute before she finally shuts her eyes. I need to go ahead and make her first dentist appointment, but I'm worried about the scolding I'll get over the pacifier. We have got to take that thing away from her.

I've decided, New Year's Resolution-style, that I want to visit Central Park this year. (Sorry for the randomness of this post). I've been to New York several times, but I've never just wandered around the park. Maybe I've been watching too much Sesame Street (they seem to film a lot of segments in a lovely green space I assume/pretend is Central Park). We're also toying the with the idea of making the annual Loughman summer get-together in Boston this year, so we'll see. It would be tempting to combine the trips, seeing as we'd be so close, but when I imagine wandering around Central Park, my little friend is not in the picture and I'm not sure how we'd get rid of her.

Central Park photos via EyePoetryPhotography

When I went back through the list of books I read this year, I was surprised to realize I managed to read 25! Not too shabby for a busy working mom. My favorites included The Hunger Games trilogy (which wins the prize for fastest page turner), and One Day (winner of best book to have an unfortunate movie adaptation that not only Anne Hathaway could save). And of course, you've already heard me rave about Kitchen Confidential, Bossypants, and Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me. If you managed to miss one of these, I definitely recommend you pick them up. Also, I'm coming to realize that as much as I love reading books, I'm really terrible at writing book reviews. Ah well. I'll stick to what I'm good at.

Anyway, those are my random thoughts of the day. I am blessed to have had such a wonderful two weeks off from work. Matt was able to take a ton of days off and we enjoyed spending time not just with our extended families, but as our own little family of three. I'm such a lucky girl. Don't let me forget it!

Thoughts on a New Year

“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.”
― Neil Gaiman

discovered via Jason Tatum

I stumbled on this quote on my friend Tatum's website and it sums up my hopes and dreams for 2012 perfectly. I've been thinking a lot about this new year, and the one we just closed the books on. 2011 brought some big changes with it, the biggest being my transition to a classroom teacher, and as those of you who know me personally can attest, it was all about merely surviving there for awhile. Fingernails dug in, holding on with eyes squeezed shut, say a prayer for me surviving.

I want more than that for 2012. If I had to pick one word that I want to describe my hopes for this next year, I would go with

thrive

I'm not content to merely survive anymore. Now it's time to grow vigorously, to flourish, to own this life and soak it up, to surprise myself.

It's That Time of Year

It's that time of year again when I start thinking about resolutions. What do I want to change in my life? What do I want to do differently? I love making New Year's Resolutions, partly because I'm a list girl and we're talking about the ultimate list. Plus a new year is so fresh and clean, full of promise. I can't help but dream big and make plans for the best year yet!

Last year I had good intentions for my resolutions. Matt and I were going to start going to church. Regularly. And join one. And become part of a community, build a little family of fellow believers that we could share with belong to, people who could support us as we grow into our new family.

Well, we all know how that turned out. We found a church, liked it, tried the nursery, hated it, and gradually the whole thing went bust. Fail.

But then, come fall, we wandered over to our neighbor's house for a small group. And found some nice people. Lovely people. People who have prayed for me (continually... I pretty much have a standing reservation of the prayer list), accepted us, surrounded us. And without really planning to, we found our community. And as I think about it, I realize that on all our visits to the big box church, we never met anyone. We never formed any friendships or felt like we belonged, which was the whole point anyway. So while we might have technically failed at finding the big building and jamming worship band, I'm going to count this year's resolution a success. One that continues to grow.

So Long

I feel like it's been so long since I sat in front of this blog to write about what's been going on in the Loughman life. Well, things have been busy to say the least. I was warned that report card time would be nuts, but I had no idea. That plus preparing for parent-teacher conferences has me swamped. And it's not like the rest of my life goes on hiatus. Nope, I had a dentist appointment, dinner to cook and host, errands to run, a family to care for, you know, that other stuff.

I'd like to say that life will slow down after this, but it won't. One quarter ends and the new one begins with just as many demands as the first. And there are so many people who are still holding up my arms for me. Thank God. I'm really enjoying the small group we have joined. After the disaster that was finding a church (remember how excited I was? Yeah, epic fail. Violet was just not ready for the big-time nursery) I knew we needed something else. And this time, things are working out. (Crossing fingers, holding breath.) I like that it's small. I like that these are people I can actually get to know, share my heart with, pray with. I've put myself squarely on the prayer list each week, in fact!

Lately I've really been struggling with a lack of confidence and assurance when it comes to work. But on two separate occasions in the same day (thanks for making it so obvious, God!) I  had someone point out that those thoughts aren't from God, they aren't even from myself, they are straight from the devil. So I've been asking God to protect my heart and mind from those kinds of thoughts that are trying to pull me down. This verse has become a bit of a touchstone for me - I sit in the car and read it before I walk into the building:  

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Isn't that awesome? The peace of God will guard your heart and mind. I imagine this forcefield of peace settling around me, warding off all the negative thoughts Satan tries to worm into my head. As insanely difficult as this year has been already, I know God is using it for a mighty purpose. I've never done something so out of my comfort zone that I've had to totally rely on God to get me through. But that's exactly where I find myself now, and it's an amazing learning experience to go through - having to totally depend on Him.

Anyway, I don't want to be preachy. Sorry if you're turned off by any of this. I'm just trying to be honest about where I am and how I'm getting through. Maybe some of you have felt this way. Maybe it helps to know that other people go through the same thing. Maybe not. Maybe you just want to scroll to the bottom of this and get to the Violet pictures. Well, fine. Here you go! (Thanks for hanging in there with me!)

Love my daddy!

Girls' night out at McD's - how cute are the little baby french fry boxes now?!

Pause

Violet decided to sport a new hair do the other day - look how grown-up she seems with her hair all pulled back!

Don't let her fool you, she's only pretending she doesn't love the attention. (Note the double ponies she came home from school with.)

Why yes, I am cute, even with a mouth full of food!

I love the fact that I get to eat dinner (aka have someone else cook for me) with my neighbors four nights a week. But sometimes it's nice just to share the table with my two favorite people. On this particular evening, Violet was on a roll, sassing it up (must have been the new hair-do) and making us laugh all over our Chick-fil-a (because when the neighbors aren't feeding us, we spiral into a fast food frenzy - thank God we only have one night off during the work week!) It was one of those small, every day moments that I tried to stop and cherish as it moved by us and through us like water in a stream. As much as I want to push pause on life and just dwell in that happy night forever, I can't, but at least I can treasure my sweet girl's smile.