Mother's Day

Ah, Mother's Day. A day just for moms, just to let them know how much we appreciate them. As if that were actually an attainable feat, as if there were enough words to adequately describe what our mothers have done for us.

My children woke me up before six this morning. I went upstairs and climbed into bed with them the moment I heard them on the monitor, hoping to coax them back to sleep until at least the sun came up. No dice. But because it was Mother's Day, I spared their lives and did an hour of yoga instead.

It's amazing what being alone for an hour can do for the soul. The cup of coffee graciously provided by my husband also helped.

Tonight at dinner I asked Annie to tell me all about, well, me and here's what I got:

Mommy's favorite color: green
Mommy's age: 59 (she's fired)
Mommy's favorite thing to eat: rice and "pomatoes"
Mommy's job: "busy" (yep, that pretty much sums it up)
Annie's favorite thing about Mommy: "I love you"

Man, the little one knows how to earn her keep around here. She helped me make dinner tonight and the whole time she was like, "Mommy, I cooking with you!" and "Mommy, we cooking together! This be fun!" I've decided that people have second babies just so there will still be someone to love them by the time the first-born has developed opinions and turned snarky.

I was reflecting on motherhood today. By that, I mean I was reading the various posts everyone has been throwing up on facebook, things like "12 Things Every Mother Really Wants" (on the list: silence, to be left alone, a vacation that doesn't involve babysitting, silence, peeing alone, silence...)

It seems like motherhood falls into two general camps.

There are the moms who are all in. They nurture. They make homemade babyfood and crafts and stimulating conversation and snacks in the shape of animals. They want the best for their children and aren't about to apologize for it. Motherhood is a joy and fulfillment and what they were made to do and do well. They care and care hard. And truth be told, they can be a little judgey about it (admit it, you are...)

Then there are the moms who just can't. They're fine with the "world's okayest mom" label and almost seem to go out of their way to prove their in-the-trenches survival-mode mentality. They're not treasuring every moment, they're actually bemoaning every moment. We get it, motherhood is hard. The days are loooong. It's cool not to like your kids because, well, kids are annoying little terrorists and gosh darn it you are not about to negotiate with terrorists. And truth be told, they can get just as judgey about those earnest, Pinteresting mamas (you know you do it...)

And I'm wondering, what happened to the mamas who are just trying their best? We don't have it all together, but if we're honest with ourselves, we're not half bad. We juggle work and mommying the best we can. Our house might not be Martha Stewart's, but it's not a pig sty either. Our kids aren't eating McDonald's every night (just on Sunday afternoons before the grocery store run). Everyone gets one extracurricular activity, we brush our teeth most nights, there is some sort of vegetable on the dinner plate five out of seven times (even if it means we count fries as legitimate vegetable products). We're not ashamed to say we love our kids and our jobs as mothers, but we're equally okay admitting it's wine-o-clock somewhere. We're not enjoying every minute, but we're seizing the moments that are and etching them on our hearts.

That's the mama I want to be. I want to be honest about the realities of this season of littles in my home, the good and the bad. The bad is funnier, and perhaps more relatable. But the good is just as important. Let's encourage one another, let's be real with each other, and for gosh sake let's share the whine wine with each other!

Here's to my mamas, the ones who have mothered me and the ones who are mothering next to me. I see you. You are awesome.

Create

I've been feeling like I've been in a rut lately. Nothing deep or dark, just kinda stuck. I feel like I'm in survival mode and have been that way for a while. There hasn't been much time for anything beyond getting through the daily grind.

The other day, a fellow teacher came to me with a request. She knows I like to write, perhaps she even reads here, I don't know. But she wanted me to take a look at her niece's application essay. I asked if I was editing for grammar or style and she said both. So without hesitation, I picked up my pen and got to slashing and rewriting. It felt wonderful, like I was stretching muscles long out of use, but delightfully still ready. There wasn't a moment when I felt doubt about the creative decisions I was making.

I miss being creative. I used to work in a fairly creative field. I got to write on a daily basis. I was paid to make pages beautiful and string words together in a way that made you want to keep reading. That's not to say teaching isn't a creative profession. I'm constantly thinking on my feet, creating learning opportunities, directing the day. But it's not the same.

I've been wondering what my Word should be this year. Something to focus on, some lofty Idea to steer towards. And Create has been in my mind for a few days now. Today, driving to church, listening to some NPR (nothing like listening to other brainy, creative people to get the juices flowing) I had this little thought. What if I picked a different creative arena to focus on each month? Create with Food one month, create with Words the next, and so on. It takes the vague "be more creative" goal and gives it something solid to grasp. It gives me a smaller, more achievable timeframe. It keeps things loose, but still within some boundaries.

So, what are some tools to employ? Keep in mind that some skills are just not my jam. I'm not going to be composing any songs, picking up any instruments, or enrolling in any classes, as much as I'd love to become a fancy photographer or speak fluently in another language. Also, baby steps people. I'm still a full-time working mom of two, with a fairly demanding job and a house to run, husband to keep happy and cat to curse. Let's be realistic. Push outside the comfort zone, but not so far off the ledge that I lose it. Here's what I'm thinking...

Create with Food - cook one new recipe a week. And/or, cook something intimidating. Like a butt. Or exotic type of fish. Or something that has to be impaled on a beer can. You know, just to keep it classy. I'm not cooking my way through Julia Child here, I just want to add a few recipes to my repertoire and become a little more adventurous in the kitchen. Considering I am really only comfortable cooking about five things, this is a legitimate resolution. Ooh, I could even learn to grill! Or at least turn on the grill. Also, I want to get more comfortable handling raw meat. I hate raw meat. So, lots of opportunity to get creative with food.

Create with Words - This one is probably what sparked it all. And should be the easiest, the most second-nature. I just need the discipline to do it. Perhaps I'll set a goal to blog every day. Publishing the world wide web would certainly keep me accountable in a way that "keep a daily journal" would not. Plus being forced to find something to write about on a daily basis would get the juices flowing, especially since my life isn't interesting enough on a daily basis to provide the content.

Create with Yarn - So I used to knit. Nothing fancy, just scarves, the odd poncho, once a hat when I wanted to master double-pointed needles. But there is something inherently soothing about the repetitive motion of working yarn. Or maybe I'll pick up a retro cross stitch project. The time factor, and the fact that it takes two hands and makes multitasking infinitely more difficult, will be the biggest hurdles here.

Create with Paint - I could participate in another "paint and partake" event, which I totally would anyway, Word of the Year or not. Or I could interpret this as "go paint the bathroom already". Either way, I would be satisfied. It was quite fulfilling to get the laundry room redone over Thanksgiving, so I'm up for more. Along that vein...

Create with Color - Or more accurately, "I've been wanting a coloring book and this is the perfect excuse". Perhaps I'll get one now and call this my January theme.

Create Something DIY - This one is a little more vague, but basically gets at the idea that I want to make more things out of nothing. It might mean finding a cool craft on Pinterest and bringing it to life. It could be practical, like these, or just something pretty, like this.

Create with Music - This might be a stretch, but since I'm not about to take up a new instrument or join the church band... what if I made it a goal to listen to a different type of music every week for a month. And like, really let it infuse life. Listen in the car, in the classroom after the kids go home, at home while making dinner. I mean, could an intensive week's worth of classical music make me feel smarter, calmer, more inspired? What about some chanting monks? A week's worth of Kidz Bop? Nothing but REM for seven days? Although technically I'm not creating anything, so perhaps this one won't fly...

Create Community - Intentionally invest in new relationships. Maybe go out to eat with a different family every Sunday after church. Maybe invite a different family over for a Saturday night dinner for an entire month. Maybe a combination of the two. I feel like I have a pretty good community here with my neighbors, and my work family is strong too, but it would be nice to widen our social circle to include other families with children the same age as ours, or start building stronger relationships with the people at church, as opposed to just waving at each other on the way to the nursery.

Create Outdoors - This one is easily accomplished via our garden. Or I could suddenly get excited about yardwork, but that's unlikely. Maybe I'll get a themed garden, like everything I need for salsa. Or mojitos. Whatever. Potato potahto.

So that's nine ideas. I can't think of anymore, maybe something to do with the kids? Create some Space and take a vacation by myself? There are possibilities here, but for now, I think I've bitten off plenty. Off to get myself a coloring book and start creating!

Wrong Answer

A very well written and sobering article about the Atlanta Public School cheating scandal.

In Print

Remember when I wrote this post about the impossibility of "enjoying every minute" of parenting? And how I'm okay with that? Looks like I'm not the only one who was inspired by Glennon and her words of wisdom. My friends over at Fayette Woman Magazine found something that resonated with them as well.

If you want your very own in-the-flesh copy, just let me know. I'm sure the lovely ladies at Fayette Woman would be happy to oblige. What? Autographs? Well, I... Oh, you shouldn't have... Well, if you insist...

Oh. You mean Violet's autograph...

Uninspired

Lately I haven't felt inspired to write. I've been busy, I haven't had time to take pictures (I hate to blog without pictures), I haven't had much to say. It makes me sad, because I love to write. I love to write so much I once wrote over 50,000 words in one month. And then did it again. And again. But these days I come home so brain dead that I can't seem to muster up anything worth saving. Maybe I'm worried that the mundane details of my life are too boring for anyone to care about. Lately I feel like I've been taking to the airwaves to complain about tantrums and mommy drama a little too often. Hopefully that will change soon. I mean, I hate to disappoint my 38 loyal fans and all. So I'll just leave you to feast your eyes on the cuteness that is Violet. Love that messy, crazy, lovely girl.

Thanks, Ya'll

I just wanted to write a quick note of thanks to my readers for two reasons...

You all had such sweet sympathies over the loss of our pet. Thank you for your kind words - it's nice to know people care. (Even those of you who had up close and personal experiences with her craziness still had nice things to say about Spooky.)

And I had so much positive feedback (mostly on fb) in response the the Marking Time post, from far and wide, from people I didn't even know stumbled upon this little ol' bloggy of mine. So that was nice, too. It seems like many of us moms and parents are in the same boat. And sometimes it's just nice to have company in that boat, to feel a little less alone, even if the water is still springing through the leaks at times.

It's sad to me that we moms seem to take such pleasure in comparing ourselves, criticizing each other, competing to be better, healthier, thriftier, more organic, or holier, when really, it turns out many of us feel quite the same way when you strip it all down. It can get outright vicious out here in blog land sometimes. (Not here-here, but you know what I mean.) Imagine if we all supported each other and carried each other through the tough times, instead of hurling verbal stones and rolling our eyes with hidden jealousy.

Anyway. I'll climb off my soapbox and leave you with a picture of breakfast in our house.

Marking Time

I read a great article the other day that really echoed a lot of my own feelings when it comes to parenting. It was called Don't Carpe Diem and it was all about the irony of being a mom trying to "enjoy every minute" of your children growing up, while simultaneously attempting to just survive the day.

Okay, so I'm enjoying this moment...

When I'm home with Violet on the weekends, I know I should be super excited to spend the day with her. After all, I miss so many hours of her childhood because I'm a working mom. You'd think when we have time together, I would devote myself to her completely and soak up the glorious moments spent with her. But the guilty reality is, I have lots of stuff to do on the weekends, with Violet being at the top of the list. But there are also chores to do and errands to run. And a little selfish thing called "me time" that I like to indulge in for a few fleeting seconds.

So if I'm trying to get a few pages ahead in my latest read, it would be really great if Violet would practice some independent playtime. And I try to distract her with the eleventy-billion toys scattered around the living room. While she whines and begs me to read her a book or take her outside. And I feel guilty. There are some days when, even after a long day of separation, the few hours we come back together are so challenging that I breathe a sigh of relief when Violet is safely asleep upstairs and the house is quiet. And before I know it, I've wasted a day not "enjoying" my child enough.

The horrible, secret truth us mothers bury deep in our hearts, the truth the above article dares to speak, is that we don't love every moment of being parents. The author Glennon Melton writes:

I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn't enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn't in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn't MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I'd wake up and the kids would be gone...Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.

But she offers a solution, one which makes a lot of sense to me. The ancient Greeks (didn't see that reference coming, did you?) had two words for time: chronos and kairos. Chronos is the chronological timeline we measure by, seconds, minutes, interminable hours, never-ending days. Kairos means "the supreme moment," that time inbetween when something special happens. Or, as Glennon explains it:

Chronos time is what we live in. It's regular time, it's one minute at a time, it's staring down the clock till bedtime time, it's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it's four screaming minutes in time out time, it's two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there's Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.

And our job is to notice those kairos moments, to dwell in them and be present for them and hang on to them, fleeting though they may be. Like when we're giving Violet her nightly bath and all of a sudden I notice how big she's getting... she almost takes up the whole tub! And it's like I'm seeing her for the first time all day, really seeing her as she splashes water around in total glee and begs for one more Disney song on Daddy's phone. Kairos comes when Matt and I finally collapse on the couch, then share a private giggle at something hilarious Violet did during the day, still in awe that she is actually ours. Kairos moments come big and small, remarkable (Violet utters a new word) or mundane (she bunny hopped across the room), but I mark them when they happen, treasure them in my heart, and then enter the parenting fray again, a little lighter.

Worth it.

Real Simple

Let the Great World Spin

So I recently finished reading a new book, Let the Great World Spin: A Novel. It won the National Book Award, for those of you who care about things like that. It seemed to make everyone's top ten list as well last year. I got it for Christmas and the poor thing sat abandoned on my bookshelf until just a few weeks ago. I was very excited to finally pick it up.

Set during the time when Phillippe Petit made his famous tightrope walk between the Twin Towers, the books follows the lives of several strangers in a serious of separate stories that eventually become intertwined. I was hooked by the fourth paragraph, when the author describes the New York scene as the city pauses to collectively look up in awe at the tiny figure walking on air far above them:

"Around the watchers, the city still made its everyday noises... A flying chocolate wrapper touched against a fire hydrant. Taxi doors slammed. Bits of trash sparred in the darkest reaches of the alleyways. Sneakers found their sweetspots. The leather of briefcases rubbed against trouserlegs. A few umbrella tips clinked against the pavement. Revolving doors pushed quarters of conversation out into the street."

"Revolving doors pushed quarters of conversation out into the street." Sigh. One of my new favorite lines. Sometimes writing like this seems as unattainable to me as walking a thin line 110 stories up. But it's good to have something to reach for, don't you think?

Update From the Tex-Mex Kitchen

Yesterday was Day Two of my quest to cook stuff out of the Tex-Mex Cookbook. And when I put it that way... the quest seems a little lame. Whatever! It's no secret that I'm not an expert in the kitchen, so even attempting a new recipe is a big deal for me. Presenting...

Still working on my food photography skills. It was way more appetizing than it looks.

Chili Mac! The recipe was super easy, helped me get rid of some pantry stuff I've had around forever (ahem, elbow macaroni), and I even successfully upped the ante by making my own taco seasoning. Granted, buying the spices to stock the cabinet made it the most expensive taco seasoning ever, especially considering I could have bought the generic brand packet for mere pennies. But now that I have the paprika, onion powder, etc etc, I can make it anytime for a fraction of the pre-packaged cost. Along with super easy, it was super tasty. Surprisingly spicy. Will be a great go-to dish on a cold, winter night. Matt said he would definitely eat it again, which is pretty much how I judge the success of a recipe. So it's on the keeper list. Next up, I might just have to try those Mexican Wedding Cookies. Baking makes me nervous around Violet, because something in an oven must be paid attention to. But maybe this weekend...

Aside: In the comments, Kristin offered to send me her recipe for Pasta Yum and Chicken Awesome. Um, yes please! With names like those, you can't go wrong! Seriously, I gotta start naming things like this. This is my Cake Delish! Try my Margarita Tomorrow's Hangover! I'll try them (Kristin's recipes, not mine) and report back. And if they're not Awesome or Yum, well, I'm sure the fault will be entirely mine.

 Wearing Uncle Lukas' hat and lookin' good!

In other news, I'm very excited because I just got contacted by the magazine I used to work for, Fayette Woman, and asked to write another freelance story! Yay! I wrote my first one for them last month and I guess it was good enough that they want another one. (Actually, the editor wrote and said I did a "wonderful job" to be exact.) It's weird... I used to be the editor there and do exactly what the current editor is doing now. To be on the other side is a little strange. But the good news is, having worked on the inside for so long, I feel like I know exactly what they're looking for. Plus, if this blog didn't make it obvious enough, I love writing. I'd like to think I'm pretty good at it. I'd love to one day make lots and lots of money off of it. But for now, I'm happy to scribble a couple stories here and there.

It is so nice to have something outside of being a mommy. Not that being a mommy isn't the number one most important and favorite job I'll ever have. But for just a few minutes while I interview an expert or brainstorm an opening paragraph, it's like I have a window open to another world. Through that window, there's a refreshing breeze blowing and colors mixing up together into a delicious kaleidoscope. It's a little reminder that life is moving by outside the bubble of my Violet-world, and that life out there isn't so bad. It's nice to keep the writing skills honed, to know I can still do it when it's for more than just my own pleasure. Writing that first article (due out in the September issue, FYI) was like sticking my favorite writing utensil into the pencil sharpener. What was once a dull, soft point become sharp once again, whittled to a fine edge. It's the same way I feel when I read a really good book. It reminds me that the world is bigger than the four walls of my house and the routine of our day. It's that open window again, the fleeting glimpse, the lingering taste of sweet on the tip of your tongue. We all need reminders like that from time to time.