The Paci Wars

Ditching the pacifier. We've known for awhile that this day needed to come. But oh, how I was dreading it. Still, Violet is almost two (the recommended cut-off point for paci habits) and there's never going to be a perfect time.

So when I casually mentioned, yet again, to sweet Violet that she was a big girl now and big girls didn't need pacifiers (we've been having this conversation at least twice a week since Thanksgiving), I meant it but didn't expect anything. Except Violet readily agreed with me this time, and even willingly tossed her beloved "night-night" down the stairs (I told her to put it in the trash and as she reminded me, the trash can was downstairs - so down the stairs it flew).

Prior to this moment I had been planning to use the weekend to catch up on some sleep and relaxation, not wage a full-on paci war. But Matt and I looked at each other, shrugged, and wordlessly seized the opportunity.

It's been a bumpy road. We've taken to sitting in the upstairs hallway waiting for Violet to fall asleep. She seems somewhat comforted by having a glimpse of us out there. I give in to this whim because I used to be the same way. Many a night I can remember crawling into my parents' bed after a bad dream or just plain old loneliness. It wasn't enough to merely be in the same bed with them, though. I had to make sure some part of me was physically touching them. It was as though without the contact, they might vanish when I closed my eyes.

We've been up for at least an hour every night, middle of the night, dealing with heartbreaking wails of regret. My once easy-to-bed napper has struggled and cried and occasionally begged tearfully for her friend night-night. It's like having an infant again - each night we go to bed wondering if tonight will be the magical night we sleep until dawn.

Matt has been a solid rock, and I've never admired him more. That first night, he trudged upstairs to sit with Violet while I laid in bed praying for peace for my child and patience for my husband. He has refused to give in. (I, on the other hand, am so weak that I offered to crack at one a.m. that first night.) He has had words of praise for our big girl every morning, regardless of how little he slept. And the battle wages on. I'm actually looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, because it means Violet's teacher will get to deal with naptime. I realize I've taken for granted how easy Violet has been when it comes to sleeping. Paci's siren song was enough to get her upstairs and contentedly into bed. Now in a world without it, she stalls, she asks for one more book, one more song, she starts crying before we leave the room, she withholds kisses.

Dependency is a dangerous thing.