Waves

The other day I got a random email from a blog stalker (the only kind of stalking I encourage... although no need to hide, come follow! I'm friendly! I don't bite!)

She is a working mom, just like me. And after she apologized for randomly writing (and potentially freaking me out - for the record, not freaked in the slightest), she thanked me for writing with honesty about how tough it can be to juggle work with motherhood and the guilt that comes with it. We try to be good at both, only to end up disappointed with both results. Jack of all trades, master of none. And then the guilt sets in, the dreaded mommy guilt, where we beat ourselves up over the fact that the kids we were dying to pick up from daycare are promptly driving us nuts because real life is hard and we count the minutes until our spouse gets home to lend a hand when we should be enjoying every moment they go by so fast.

Sometimes it helps just to know we're not alone. Which is exactly what I said to my new friend (because I feel like we are friends somehow, even though we've not met). It's nice to know I'm not the only one feeling the pressure and guilt and frustration of being a working mom. Because when I read other people's words, it helps me remember that I'm not nuts for feeling the way I do. And that's really why I write those feelings down and send them out into the void - I'm hoping someone hears them and reaffirms that what I'm feeling is totally normal, or perhaps can offer me some nuggets of wisdom of their own. I know how much it's helped me to read about other moms (and not those perfect, crafty, don't-know-how-she-does-it moms either - I'm thinking more Anne Lamott) and their daily struggles and revelations and real life moments.

It's amazing being a mom. And it's scary and exhausting and heart-breaking and exhilarating. But the guilt. We have to get that monkey off our back. Life is hard enough without that devil screeching in our ear. That monkey pounced on my new friend in the grocery store the other day when she took her two little ones shopping:

Lady in grocery store who noticed my work clothes: "Oh, so you work, that must be hard"
Me: "Yes, it is very hard"
Lady: "So, you are a part-time mom"
Me: "No, I'm a full-time mom, I don't quit being a mom when I go to work"

(And as my friend told me, the lady is lucky she didn't get a banana thrown at her head. Amen sister.)

But what could I say to my new friend (short of telling her to back off the fruit)? I struggle with that same mommy guilt too. You should have seen my thoughts on Superbowl Sunday when Violet refused to take the nap I so desperately needed her to take. So, knowing I totally lack the soothing balm she needs, I simply told her what I had just learned in my small group Bible study. I reminded her (and myself) about grace.

Imagine stepping into the ocean. Those dancing, fizzing waves lapping at your toes. They wash and recede, only to come right back again, endlessly. God's grace is like those ocean waves. They just keep coming. Life going great? Revel in a wave of grace. Had a crappy day? The waves of grace keep washing over you, no hesitation. Totally screw up and need some forgiveness? God doesn't even pause, his grace is already on his way to you before you've finished doing that idiotic thing you're doing. It's never ending and unconditional, this undeserved favor, and yet we get it anyway. And that's a nice thought, don't you think? I'm praying that all us mamas can dip our feet into that ocean and feel those waves of love and grace lapping at our toes.

Just watch out for the occasional flying banana. We're still human, after all.