Marking Time

I read a great article the other day that really echoed a lot of my own feelings when it comes to parenting. It was called Don't Carpe Diem and it was all about the irony of being a mom trying to "enjoy every minute" of your children growing up, while simultaneously attempting to just survive the day.

Okay, so I'm enjoying this moment...

When I'm home with Violet on the weekends, I know I should be super excited to spend the day with her. After all, I miss so many hours of her childhood because I'm a working mom. You'd think when we have time together, I would devote myself to her completely and soak up the glorious moments spent with her. But the guilty reality is, I have lots of stuff to do on the weekends, with Violet being at the top of the list. But there are also chores to do and errands to run. And a little selfish thing called "me time" that I like to indulge in for a few fleeting seconds.

So if I'm trying to get a few pages ahead in my latest read, it would be really great if Violet would practice some independent playtime. And I try to distract her with the eleventy-billion toys scattered around the living room. While she whines and begs me to read her a book or take her outside. And I feel guilty. There are some days when, even after a long day of separation, the few hours we come back together are so challenging that I breathe a sigh of relief when Violet is safely asleep upstairs and the house is quiet. And before I know it, I've wasted a day not "enjoying" my child enough.

The horrible, secret truth us mothers bury deep in our hearts, the truth the above article dares to speak, is that we don't love every moment of being parents. The author Glennon Melton writes:

I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn't enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn't in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn't MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I'd wake up and the kids would be gone...Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.

But she offers a solution, one which makes a lot of sense to me. The ancient Greeks (didn't see that reference coming, did you?) had two words for time: chronos and kairos. Chronos is the chronological timeline we measure by, seconds, minutes, interminable hours, never-ending days. Kairos means "the supreme moment," that time inbetween when something special happens. Or, as Glennon explains it:

Chronos time is what we live in. It's regular time, it's one minute at a time, it's staring down the clock till bedtime time, it's ten excruciating minutes in the Target line time, it's four screaming minutes in time out time, it's two hours till daddy gets home time. Chronos is the hard, slow passing time we parents often live in.

Then there's Kairos time. Kairos is God's time. It's time outside of time. It's metaphysical time. It's those magical moments in which time stands still. I have a few of those moments each day. And I cherish them.

And our job is to notice those kairos moments, to dwell in them and be present for them and hang on to them, fleeting though they may be. Like when we're giving Violet her nightly bath and all of a sudden I notice how big she's getting... she almost takes up the whole tub! And it's like I'm seeing her for the first time all day, really seeing her as she splashes water around in total glee and begs for one more Disney song on Daddy's phone. Kairos comes when Matt and I finally collapse on the couch, then share a private giggle at something hilarious Violet did during the day, still in awe that she is actually ours. Kairos moments come big and small, remarkable (Violet utters a new word) or mundane (she bunny hopped across the room), but I mark them when they happen, treasure them in my heart, and then enter the parenting fray again, a little lighter.

Worth it.