Letting Go

Watching Violet try to get over her need for her pacifier has been so hard. She has loved that thing something fierce. It has been the one constant companion she could count on every single night of her life. We put off getting rid of it because we anticipated the drama, and we were not mistaken. There has been much weeping and gnashing of teeth over the past few days. We really have been struggling to break an addiction. And as anyone who has ever watching Intervention can tell you, addiction is no easy monster to face.

I'm struggling right along with her. Because I had put my faith into that stupid little green piece of molded plastic. That sucker was my go-to guaranteed sleep inducer. The words "never leave home without it" never applied more readily. (In fact, I knew we had to do something about this dependency when we got halfway to Grandma's house before we realized it wasn't in the diaper bag and almost turned around to go get it. Grandma doesn't live down the block, ya'll.) I wasn't sure it was possible for Violet to fall asleep without it and I damn well sure wasn't going to give it a try. It was cold, hard fear. I was afraid of what might happen if we removed paci from the sleep equation. And it was selfishness. I happen to like my life with a full night's sleep in it, thank you very much.

But here's what happens when you put your faith in the wrong thing. It ultimately lets you down. This day was bound to come, it was. I knew Violet wasn't going to be taking paci to college, much less kindergarten. At some point we were going to have to pull the plug (ha! ahem.) And because God is awesome that way, He had this to say in my daily devotional Jesus Calling the very morning after we threw paci down the stairs and out of our lives:

I want you to be all mine. I am weaning you from other dependencies. Your security rests in Me alone - not in other people, not in circumstances, not in pacifiers.

Okay, I added that last part myself. But can't you just feel God's gentle "Hello? Do you get it now?" elbow nudge in your ribs? Our only guarantee in this life is God. He's the only thing worth putting our faith into. Because anything else is going to let us down, get lost or stolen or ultimately thrown down the stairs.

I've had some practice this year depending on God. Sometimes that faith in God and His plan was the only thing that propelled me out of my car and into the building in the morning.

Depending only on Me may feel like walking on a tightrope, but there is a safety net underneath... So don't be afraid of falling. Instead, look ahead to Me. I am always before you, beckoning you on - one step at a time.

Sometimes as moms (or just humans in general) we feel like we have to have all the answers, be experts at everything, be in control at all times with our entire future mapped out in perfect detail or life will be one chaotic, unbearable mess. It's nice to have this reminder that we're not supposed to be in charge (thank God!) We're not supposed to know it all. We're just asked to move forward with our eyes fixed straight ahead. And it's hard not to look down, to cast our eyes to the world around us and all its dependencies and addictions. It's hard not to seize the wheel and try to steer the ship ourselves. But one step is all it takes. One foot in front of the other.

So this is me trusting God for a full night of sleep again, and committing again to this tightrope walk we're on.